Current mood:	contemplative
Current music:	Final Fantasy VII OST, Nobuo Uematsu

Improvement
I get too wrapped up in things sometimes. To emotional. There are so many things that I want in life and I spend too much time trying to get the ones I need the least. It just seems so important to me to have someone who quite simply loves me. Simply someone who holds me close, puts their arms around me, and when I'm holding them everything else in the world disappears.
Every time I think I have that something bad happens. I usually blow it. Things were bad a while ago. Really bad. I sat in the bathroom alone one night, just crying, staring at the knife I was holding in my hands. I simply couldn't do it though. So many things were going on in my mind at the time. If I killed myself, would I go to Hell? I couldn't stand the pain now I didn't want to have it for an eternity. Ironic though, that the only reason I couldn't get rid of all my fear was because I was afraid?
I had just lost what I felt was the love of my life, which turns out now that she wasn't the love of my life, but was definitely a love. I really cared for her then. Now things are shit between us, but that doesn't mean I still don't love her. I always will. Every time I found someone else, someone else who could love me that I could love too, they ran away from me. I've heard everything from "I just don't like you like that anymore" to "I don't want to ruin our friendship that we have now." I've been fed every line from every source and again I get tired of it. A lot.
The though never leaves my mind really, and its scary. Those were the worst times of my life going through that depression, and I don't want to suffer them again. Its how I know now that it really isn't something I can control, that there must be some chemical imbalance in my head, but I don't want to take those drugs anymore. I was stable when I took the drugs, but I wasn't me. I wasn't in control. I'm not in control now either.
I can't predict when my mood will swing again. Sometimes I'm happy sometimes I'm really depressed. I've already alienated one friend. She thinks that I'm playing games. She wouldn't elaborate on it, and I can't blame her for not, but there are no games. I'm a straighforward guy and I don't know how to tell her this. I'm just unstable. If you can hear me, I don't want to hurt you and I didn't mean to insult you. Sometimes I have no control over my moods. I am bi-polar, I'm overly happy then overly sad, and the change can come over me literally in minutes. She sees it as games to try and get the upper hand, but I'm just not like that. It hurts that she can see that about me and it's not true, and I'm not lying to you or myself by saying this. I love everybody, but I can't control myself because I haven't learned to love myself again yet. With her, with my love, I could love myself. I just need someone to love me first to show me it's possible.
I'm sorry for all the people I've hurt, I haven't meant to do it. I can be a jerk sometimes, and I want to kill myself for all the stupid things I've done. They haunt me every night and I never stop feeling guilty for them. I just want them all to end and I'm sorry for what I've done to you, especially you Emily. Please, I beg of you, if you read this, forgive me. I don't know what I want and for a while I thought it was you. I took things out on you that I shouldn't have, and I'm sorry. I just thought that maybe you might see me as more special than the others. Perhaps "like" me in that way, but I've done too many things now for that to be possible. I just hope we can still be friends, because it makes me happy when I'm around you. I truly apologize, to you and to everyone.