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God I Miss Waking Up Beside You	Nov. 17th, 2004 @ 01:52 am

Nothing to do with this entry, just perhaps one of the best slow metal songs ever written. Stabbing Westward, Waking Up Beside You. I recommend that you download this if you haven't allready.

Gotta take a quick break and then I'm going to start typing again (1:53)

(1:59) ok back. Not like you needed to know the timing I just felt it relevant to put in here.

Don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'm terribly confused as of now and I'm not really sure where I'm supposed to go. Nothing seems interesting to me anymore since I dropped the music major, but for some reason the one thing that I DO enjoy (being on the radio) is apparently not a good enough profession for my parents. In particular my dad. My mom was trying to defend me, but not well.

I got REAMED when I went home the other weekend. Apparently my father's expectation were for me to go to this college and be the best in every class and come out at the top of the college. One of the best they'd ever seen. Now, what is shocking about this isn't his expectations. what's shocking is that I wasn't surprised that he had this. It's always been like this with him. I was about ready to explode. for the first time in my life I truly despised him. I've lost all respect for him that I had and I just completely hate him now. I burst into tears in front of them and just screamed all sorts of stuff that I can't remember now. I left the house in anger and didn't come back till very late. I didn't talk to my father until I brought Katelyn back breifly and we all put on our fake happy faces and made everything seem wonderful.

I was getting chewed out for my performance TWO MONTHS INTO THE FIRST FUCKING SEMESTER! I don't understand it. My dad said that of all the freshman I was probably the only one if not one of very few who was taking 9 credit hours. I agreed but said that the classes just weren't working out for me, and besides, I was probably one of the few freshman coming in there who have 26 credit hours. Basically I would have been eligible for sophomore status. If I had been aware of this I would have applied for it but they did not let me know.

I'm taking classes next semester that I think I'm going to like but I still stay up all night long worrying about grades. Worrying that something is going to go wrong, alas, actually allready has gone wrong and I'm going to get chewed out again. I know I'm going to get an F in spanish. I'm positive of it in fact, and I know that Im just going to get a thorough lashing from my dad when I get home.

What I'm most worried about is me though. After that little "talk" I felt worse than I did in Junior year of high school. When I was going through huge bipolar swings and massive depression. I felt absolutely horrible and just wanted to curl up and die to get rid of it all. To just finally be free from everything and not have to worry anymore. Not have to lose sleep over trivial matters that I can't help overreacting on. Stop feeling absolutely wonderful at noon and one hour later feel like the whole worlds coming down, only to pick back up again six hours later. Alas I actually tried to just curl up and die but apparently it doesn't work that way so I just slept instead.

I'm sick of living up to his expectations of me but no matter what I do it's never enough. He outright said that he didn't think communication was a good thing because that job requires no thinking. "Unless you're like Bob Costas or something like that." That's when I exploded. "If I was going into this hoping to be broadcasting baseball or sports you'd have no problem with this." He shut up. He didn't have any retort to that and the look on my mom's face said that I'd pretty much hit the nail on the head.

The way I'm going with the campus radio station I could be station manager by the end of sophomore year. Yet I know that when I would tell Dad this it wouldn't mean the same thing to him as it would to me. To him it would be "I'm glad he's getting involved on campus" instead of "This could be the stepping stone to a very succesful career." When they came to campus they listened to the radio show on the way up. When he said I sounded good on the radio I was on Cloud 9 for the rest of the day. I rarely get compliments from him and when I do I treasure them.

I've always told friends that with him I could come home with straight A's and one B and the question would be "Why do YOU have a B? How could You get a B in a class?" The last weekend proved it. My mother asked me if I knew my midterm grades. I said I had an A in everything and a B in chemistry. "How are you getting a B in a class that you say is all review?" Again I screamed back. "It's review from 3 years ago. I'd like to see you ace a test on advanced calculus now. You're a math major aren't you? Besides, the class is really heavy in labs and that's something we DIDN'T do in high school?" Again he didn't say anything back.

for the most of the conversation I just sat quietly desperately holding back tears. I just hate this. I'm fed up.

Current Mood:

+enraged+depressed+pissed

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WOOHOO College	Sep. 11th, 2004 @ 01:45 am

sooooooo anyways college is nice. I'm not a party animal like I thought I might be, but I'm still having a good time.

The feelings have been recurring lately, and I might need to check into that. could be homesickness though.

Miss my friends. Mostly Liz, Alex, and Emily. Although I did see Liz last weekend which was great. TWICE! unbelievable. We had some good times....and....a TALK *gasp*.

I always get nervous when we have these talks because I always feel like I'm going to end up getting screwed. This time I thought Liz was going to say she never wanted to talk to me again, which scared the living daylights out of me. I was so worried because I didn't want it to happen again. I felt so bad about it the first time and I would never be able to forgive myself for it the second time around, mostly because I wouldn't have done anything wrong this time. HA!

So yes, met up with Katelyn while wandering around in Baldwin. I didn't think she would be all that happy to see me. I don't know. For some reason I just thought that she didn't really like me....at all. But before you know it we're hanging out every day and she is AWESOME! In fact, one night, I was almost going to ask her out....until I was given a sign from above.

It was actually kind of convenient. We were watching some movie, and I can't think of the name of it right now for the life of me, OH! That new cartoon with the Sigfried and Roy lions. Anyways. This Panda was supposed to fall in love with the other female panda, but instead the wife lion gave him some advice and he ends up falling in love with her. The wierd thing was I could totally understand how he was feeling. And then the husband, played by John Goodman, says "You don't love her. You only thing you do because she's the first girl who's ever been nice to you." And I realized it was true. Liz, Emily, Katelyn, the only reason I thought of going out with them was solely because they were nice to me. Oh, and the fact that they are also all attractive helps the situation also. It was then that I realized that Katelyn would not only probably not want to go out with me at all, but if we did things would just be......weird.

So anyways, I shied away from that and I think I'm happy about it. I don't know, I still think I like her at times but I'm pretty sure it's really nothing.

Back to the Liz thing, she read to me from the Gospel of Hadley and the reading said that Men and Women cannot be friends. There will always be an attraction from one party to the other. Now with me it's always that I like them and they don't like me. And I've grown used to that. Sure I'm attracted to Liz and Emily and Katelyn and all the other girls I'm friends with. Sure I would love to go out with them at any time. However, I understand the likelyhood of that is slim to none. Thus I would rather have them as friends as opposed to simply ignoring or avoiding them.

Then Liz said that Hadley told her she is using me. She seems to be convinced of it but I really don't think so. Maybe she is and I'd just prefer to think of it as her trusting me. I always thought that I was just someone she could count on. Sure there is some motive for me. Brownie points as I like to call them. I like to think that was goes around comes around. Even if Liz were a guy I still would have purposely lost money to go talk to her or pick her up without asking questions when she locked the keys in her car. But yes, there is a little hope that maybe these good deeds will come back again, in one form or another. I do have a conviction inside that there's always that one chance in a million that says "Oh, you know what, he was always really nice to me and I never really saw him for what he was. I should give him a call again." you know, that kinda thing in 10 years or so. Then again there's also the fact.....and this is VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.....that if I was ever in the same situation they would do the same for me.

That's what killed me about Carolyn. I gave her the world on a string. She gave me crap in return. I would gladly have driven 500 miles without sleep to help her if she needed it, but I could never get her to walk 1 mile to help me out. I like to think that my friends are as dedicated to me as I am to them. I try not to ask anything of them though.

Urg, it's late and I have to DJ in 6 hours. So goodnight to all.

Been a While	Aug. 16th, 2004 @ 02:23 am

I'm not as adamant about updating this page as Cole or Liz are, but I guess I just don't rely on it as much as I used to.

Played some more poker tonight. I got up and down a lot. Lose big win bigger, so I suppose I'm about even right now. Nonetheless, I don't play for the money, I play for hanging out with a group of friends for a really good time. $40 bucks isn't that big of a deal to me. I'm not going to be missing it. I have everything I need allready, it's just nice being there with all those people.

Liz called me in the middle of a game and I noticed immediately that she wanted to talk to somebody, and when I told her I was playing poker she just resignedly said "Oh, ok, well I'll talk to you later then." So I knew my priorities and promptly lost as fast as I could, then called her back and told her to meet me and Steak n Shake if she wanted to. I was half expecting her not to come, but when she said she would I was very happy about it. Friends are more important than poker and she sounded like she needed to talk.

Met up with Liz and Cole there, had an amazing American Melt that Milton made. He basically molds two steakburger patties to make one, so I had a thickburger melt, which was so large I could hardly fit it in my mouth. It was delicious and really hit the spot.

I was right and Liz really did need to talk. I won't go into detail because it's none of your fucking business, but I was really glad I lost the money to come talk to her. It was very necessary.

I think it really helped her out, because she was very nervous on several subjects. I really like her a lot and I want to be the best friend I can be for her because everyone needs someone they can always fall back on, and It makes me very happy that I'm the one she called to talk to. It lets me know that she trusts me and that makes me feel really good. I hope all my friends understand that and that I would not think twice before giving up something to go help them out. If Emily called me from Brown and needed to talk I would drive for 12 hours straight at 90 miles an hour to get there as fast as possible. Either that or go right to the airport and fork out as much money as was needed to see her. And in a heartbeat also, without hesitation. When Liz locked her keys in the car I made sure that she noticed I said I would come get her BEFORE I asked where she was. She could have been in Wentzville and I would have driven out there and back and out there again so she could retrieve the car. And she still owes me some damn cookies.

Getting really excited about college. Still need to pack and clean my room.

I need to make a ton of CDs for Milton and I swore I'd make a techno mix for Liz and Emily before they left, and I need to get on that really soon. Otherwise things are awesome. Still wish I Danielle liked me like I like her, but I'm pretty sure it ain't going to happen. Like I mentioned at Steak n Shake tonight with them I just like having my arm around someone. It gives me confidence, knowing that someone trusts me fully and actually finds me attractive. Didn't recieve much confidence from them but that night was about Liz not me, and I'll have my chance eventually. I can have anice talk with Liz sometime.

I guess that's it for now. Yeah for college, and adios for now.

Current Mood:

accomplished

Current Music: Liz's Mix. Simply Being Loved - Artist?

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Other entries

» Quiz from Liz

HEY IT RHYMES. Props to Liz for this. I had a good laugh at my battle cry.

Your Homicidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn

Your name:

Weapon of Choice:

Desert Eagle .50

Your Favorite Target:

Emo-kids

Your Kill Count:

1,334,907,387

Your Battle Cry:

"I enjoy cheese."

Years You Spend in Jail:

How Much Money In Damages You Cause:

$157,725,452,589,422

Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 89%

Aug. 10th, 2004 @ 09:30 pm

» Exhausted

Work has been tiring, to say the least. I'm quitting and the end of July and I'll have a decent amount of money in my account to go to college with. I really love all the people I work with. I really enjoy talking with them and sometimes I'd rather go hang out with them then I would with some certain other people. That was the main reason I've decided to stay as long as I have, because I really like who I'm with, and I really didn't want to leave them without a server for the third shift. I'm too nice. I should just get out of there and do what's best for me but I'm always putting other people first, even if I've only known them for a month.
Went over to Archer's because I thought I would be hanging out with friends last night. I should have gone and played poker instead. We sat watching movie we've all seen multiple times and no one seemed to want to have any conversation at all. Didn't really want to be there, wasn't really wanted there as Matt made very clear as I walked in the door. I like the change of friends that I've made. I realized how tired I really was of the normal people I was constantly hanging out with and when I thought I really missed them when I hung out with them again I realized that yet again I didn't want to be there. The night in Cole's apartment as I watched them all get drunk and just sat around doing nothing was definitely the best time I've had in a while. Hopefully everyone caught the sarcasm in that. I had bought everyone some pizza and sat the rest of the night in a dejected depression. I admit I wasn't a whole lot of fun. I wanted to be with friends but I didn't want to be there at the same time. Kind of strange.

I have a sort of a crush on this girl at work. I don't know if she's single or not and part of me wants to go out with her but the other part of me keeps hitting myself because there's only two months left and there really would be no point to it.

OH! I completely forgot. Caitlin turned out to be a real backstabber. Turns out my dream was a bit misinterpreted Liz. I tell her that I really thought we might be able to work things out if she would just call me a bit more often and especially once her play was over with. She told me flat out just NO! and then proceeds to confess that as we were going out she was constantly flirting with all the guys at her play rehearsals. I actually cried for the first time in a long time. She had told me she liked me, she said she had liked me for a very long time, and then we start going out. Oh wait, we go on one date, and then she never calls me because she can't seem to decide between a great steady guy or some other kids at a play rehearsal. I got completely shattered again.

Part of me has been starting to wonder whether anyone really wants to have me around anymore. The way the people treat me at work is so much different than the way my other friends treat me. When I walk in the door they all smile at me, they say hello, they say they are happy to see me. I'm welcome there. People enjoy having me around there and they are polite to me. They don't snap at me and when I crack a joke people actually laugh. I'm getting some respect there and it's really neat having that again. I can respect someones right to watch a movie but when it's something we've all seen it doesn't seem someone would mind cracking a little joke here and there. but apparently I was wrong about that one, oh well. I think I'm just going to stick to poker and then when Liz comes back in town I'll have another friend again.

I really enjoyed Cole's little tribute about nice guys. So true, so true, so true.
Jul. 8th, 2004 @ 10:15 am

» Work, Vacation, and Friends

DisneyWorld was awesome. I had lots of fun, got a little bit of a burn, and did everything I wanted to do. It was great to finally hang out with Alex again. We haven't done that since the end of school and it was really nice to finally hang out with who I can safely say is my best friend. We know each other so well and it's always a good time with him.

When I went to Steak n Shake monday night to check my hours they were absolutely swamped. I had just flown in and I was really tired so I had to deny their request for me to join them. Any other night I would have been happy to do it but I just wouldn't have been able to survive. They also wouldn't have been in that situation if Brandon hadn't called in sick when no one else was scheduled to work.

Work is going good though. The money is nice even though the hours suck. I meet tons of interesting people and am even starting to have my own cast of regulars, including some of Lizzlebizzles close friends. I love the people there, (except Rachel) and its always a good time. It can get busy and stressful and suck sometimes, but that's the way any job would be.

I'm worried however because it seems like a lot is happening without me now. I feel totally out of touch and completely isolated from all of my friends. It seems like I'm just lost in working and can't get around to doing anything else that I want to do, which is really sucking. I haven't hung out with Liz in weeks, I haven't even TALKED to caitlyn in 2 weeks, I never hang out with Cole or Matt or Emily anymore....It's just, they are all busy when I'm free and I'm busy when they are free. Even the days I have off I can hardly do anything with them. I just feel really alone right now and I'm not sure what to do. Quitting comes to mind, or finding another job where I can work during the day. I like the work and I like making money...but I love my friends more.

Liz came and saw me before she left, which was really awesome and unexpected. It was really good to see her and when I saw her at the bar I just felt a hundred times better. She had her tongue pierced which I admit isn't as bad as I thought it would be. It actually kind of works for her. I'm glad that she went out and did what she wanted to do and dind't listen to me. That's what we all should do. Take the advice that's given to us, listen to people, but ultimately do what we feel we should do and what we want to do. She's in Cancun now and when she IMed my I was playing FFXI so I didn't respond. I hope she isn't angry.

I really really want to see Caitlyn but alas, I have to work tomorrow.

Funny story involving Jamaica, my sister, a bottle of rum, and a salt and pepper shaker invovling humping pigs. Talk to me for full details.

That's it for now. All my friends, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call me. I might not ansewr but it makes me feel so good that people have tried to talk to me. It really picks me up when I walk out to my car at 6 AM and find a few missed calls and a message or two, even if it is incomprehensible ranting from JC, it still is nice.
Jun. 18th, 2004 @ 01:11 am

» The rare update

I update this journal about as often as Maddox updates his website, which for those of you who don't know who Maddox is, isn't very often. I'm not thinking at all about college or about Priory or about anything except enjoying the three months I have without anything tying me down, which has been nice so far.

I landed a serving job at Steak n Shake. The hours are pretty hard (8 p.m. to 6 a.m.) but I'm getting good work experience and even better money. I love the people I'm working with, which is good, and I have a good time when I'm there. I think this is probably one of the better jobs to get because the money is great, the people are cool, and the rules are loose. While the first and second shift employees must pay for food and drinks, third shift can do pretty much whatever they want. I've been getting a lot of really good compliments from customers and the GM has been getting great reviews about me, which the other managers tell me about because if Cathy is happy they are happy.

Alex and Liz are "going out". I put this is quotations because Liz isn't exactly holding up to her end of the bargain. She's asking me for help on the whole Pete issue and while I feel honored that she's asking me for help, it's kind of hard when my best friend is getting the jack. I've told her just to be honest and talk to him as soon as possible, but above anything else don't lie to Alex and tell him the truth. He doesn't deserve to be hurt again by another Liz. Interesting, I just noticed the coincidence.

My sister is getting married! Scott proposed to her at the end of the 3 day 50 mile MS walk. He had signs along the way that said "Will-You-Marry-Me" each word on a different sign. Then, at the finish line, since he knew she would be walking first (because the people who actually have MS lead the way to the finish line) he was holding a sign that said "AMY?" on it. Lots of crying was involved and she said "yes" and it was in the paper. Metro section, Monday's paper, page 3.

We were talking about what they wanted for their wedding and I knew exactly what I wanted. The Priory Chapel, filled with all my and all her friends and family. Father Gregory presiding over the mass and performing the wedding. Of course, I'll have to run this by my wife first, but I know that is my dream wedding right there. In autumn, as the leaves are changing, or in spring, as the trees are blooming. One of the two.

I'm "going out" with Caitlin. I say THAT in quotations because I've talked to her a couple of times and had one date in two weeks. WHY DO MY RELATIONSHIPS ALWAYS END UP SUCKING!!!! She's never home, never answers her cell, and worst of all, never calls me. She hasn't called me once in two weeks. I wouldn't care about any of the other stuff if she actually called me. I like her, and I'd like to see her more, but our schedules are just so weird. I know that if she actually contacted me or answered her cell phone I could work something out, but I never know where she is or what she is doing.

Anyways, that's about all the news for now. I'll update when I feel like it.
Jun. 9th, 2004 @ 10:50 pm

» Being ignored

Well, Liz said she was going to ignore me which is understandable. She is completely right about the way she was being treated, and it makes me angry that the guys didn't stop, that they never stop. It makes me sick to my stomach just to listen to them anymore so I decided I needed a break from them to. If I see them its when I'm with a bunch of other people, never just the few of us again.
Also, I don't remember insulting Liz or Emily either on the fat subject or with anythign on the male dominance that Cole loves to put forward, so I'm not entirely sure why I'm in the doghouse. I suppose I should think about it more but in the meantime I think the separation is a good thing.
Finally got a job, working at my favorite place, the Steak n Shake at Woods Mill and Olive. I'll be doing primarily graveyard shift so any visits would be much appreciated.
Went out bowling with a bunch of the guys tonight. It was really good and I had a good time.
A subcategory of that, Emily stole my tobacco and was refusing to give it back to me. I kept asking for it and she kept repeatedly telling me that I shouldn't be doing it. It wasn't until she looked me right in the eye, her face got serious, and she said "You need to stop!" that I guess I finally took it to heart. Liz has been harping on me about is as well and she's been right too, so I suppose I owe her thanks as well. I kept trying to fool myself that "it wasn't that bad" but I know it was just that, fooling myself. It made me feel, different, out there, for some strange reason better about myself, but I realized it makes other people feel less of me, and I don't want that. I'm keeping the pipe but throwing away the tobacco. The stuff smells good but they are right, I shouldn't be doing it.
I suppose I should just hold off on things and let it all cool down for a while and really think about things. I don't remember saying anything specifically to Liz but then again I didn't really do a whole lot to shut Matt and Cole up either. I should stand up for my friends more and I didn't pull through on that account.
Caitlin Mickey told me on Sunday at the graduation party that she liked me and had for quite a while, and she had to tell me because she probably wouldn't see me again. I like her to so I guess we're just going to try things out and see how it goes. Only 3 months though, and I have no intention on carrying on something in college.
Got quite a bit in graduation money, and almost all of it will be going into a new checking account to save for college, because I don't know what expenses I'm going to incur. I'm working at Foxman's again and finally getting back into Tae Kwon Do. I just need to take it one week at a time.
May. 26th, 2004 @ 12:30 am

» Long Time No Update

First, the good news. SCHOOLS OUT!
I think I did well in all my classes except English, but we don't really care about that now do we.

It's been so long since I've updated I can't remember exactly what's happened. Almost got arrested, Liz and Matt are no longer, my friends can be real assholes sometimes, so much to talk about that can all be read in my friends journals.

Now on to the bad news.

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I've become and I don't know where I'm going. I know where I want to end up butI'm not helping myself get there. Everyone always says to be yourself, the only problem is...I seem to hate myself.

Rejection sucks. That's all I've delt with most of my life. Whenever I'm myself I get rejected and that just sucks. Which then leads me to hate myself. So I keep trying on these new personas, these different facades that I think might make certain people like me, help me to fit in, or just in general associate with people. Smoking, drinking, poker...it's not me. None of it is. But it feels good fitting in with some group of people for the short amount of time, but then I end up hating myself in the morning for it.

The problem is I don't know who I used to be anymore. I've adopted these masks as my normal self and I can't seem to find who I used to be anymore. My group of friends has changed, I don't hang out with the same group of people anymore, and worst of all, I don't think I have anyone who will tell me outright that they don't like what I've become either.

I get the feeling people just deal with me. No one really wants me around to much, but they'll humor me while I'm there and then talk about me while I'm not. I always feel like I'm never getting the whole story, and that people just don't want to tell me things because of how I may react. The problem is that I don't know what to do or say anymore because I'm just so confused. I don't know where I want to be and I can't seem to find the version of me that makes ME the happiest, not everyone else. I can't seem to find the me that loves to sing, not to smoke, that attends church on Sundays not stays out every night till 1 o clock. I feel like my friends are changing so fast andI can't keep up with them. I want to show everyone that I'm cool and I'm with it, but......

I'm lost and I don't have anyone to direct me anymore. There's no one who says I like this about you or I like that. I don't have any guidance as to what makes me a good and likeable person anymore. "I love it when you...." or "It's so nice when you..." are phrases I don't hear often but need. I just want to be nice ot people and make everyone else happy, but I don't know how exactly to do that anymore and I don't think I'm helping any sort of situation. I'm slipping away and I don't know where I am anymore.

Where am I? What do I need to do? What the HELL HAVE I BECOME?!! I hate myself so god damn much right now. I look at myself in the mirror in the morning and I silently scream to myself that I'm falling apart and there's nothing left of me. I insult myself and put myself down hoping I can kick myself into shape.

The knee injury took away my Tae Kwon Do. I've steadily been losing things that have been so important to me, and maybe that's what's been contributing to this. I lost Tae Kwon Do and that gave me a big hit. A really gigantic sock in the ego and turned me completely around. Now I'm blowing my singing and anything else I might have been remotely good at.

god, I love you guys all so much. Liz, Cole, Emily, Matt, Alex, I really really love you guys. I don't know what the hell has happened and I'm really sorry, but I...I need help, I think. My worst fear, my most terrible nightmare is losing you guys. I get paranoid sometimes and I feel like you guys hate my guts and never want to see me again, and I just love you all so much that I don't want that to happen. When I get scared...I just all out panic and I'll do anything that I think will make things better, and it always makes things worse. I don't know what I'd do without you, and Cole it wouldn't be get new friends. Help me out guys. Maybe its just how I'm feeling tonight and it's not that bad, but I know that something is wrong.
May. 17th, 2004 @ 01:36 am

» The past weekends events

Prom was....amazing. Liz spent a lot of time with Celeste which was understandable considering, anyways. I wish I could have had a bit more time dancing with Liz, but it was still a lot of fun. The music was ok; highly predictable, and a lot of rap. Too much rap. Anyways, that was a good time and I dind't let the knee stop me from dancing. However the knee has been letting me know lately that it isn't quite done forgiving me for Saturday. Oh, and I also got to dance with Abby for the last song, thanks a lot Jim for being so kind as to let me do that. It was very nice of you.

Post prom we went to Erik's expecting a party, but there was none, so we all decided to go to Shen's instead. On the way there I asked Emily how things were with her love interest. She seemed very uncertain, but she also seemed to really like the guy. I asked her a few questions and I must have come off jealous to her because now she isn't really talking to me. Emily, if you're reading this, I love my friends. All of them, even the ones who I talk trash about sometimes (Alex) I still love and care for them. I don't know you're dating history too well. I know very little about Wes, just enough to know he was a dick. What I do know is that you are very moody lately and vulnerable. I don't want to see you get hurt by a guy who turns out to be someone you didn't think he was. I don't know the kid and you do, so I should trust your judgement. It isn't jealousy and I don't still want to go out with you. We dealt with that a while ago and it's over now. I do want you to be happy but I just wanted to ask you some question to make you think a little bit and not jump head over heels into this.

Shen's house was awesome. I got myself fershnickered (Spelling Cole?) and had a great time trying to use my crutches to convince Archer's mom I was not drunk. We watched Boondock Saints upon arrival and then slept for a good 3 hours. In the morning we had some breakfast, lots of painkillers, and then went out to lunch at Steak n Shake.

Also, I realized while spending all that time with Liz that I still liked her. This is a very bad thing. This is bad because Liz has stated she doesn't want a relationship and is very vulnerable, and she is. This is bad because it means I'm weird around her and then she knows what's up and then she gets weird and nervous and everything falls to hell again. I should be happy just being friends but... I can't help but think about, all the shit she has had to deal with. All of the unnecessary pain that she has been put through from crappy backstabbing friends and the like, and horrible boyfriends and all of that. I look at all that and say "Goddamn. I would treat her so much better. She deserves so much better than that, and I don't even deserve her but I could treat her better." It makes me sad to think that because for a while I wasn't, and I feel guilty about it. But I knowing now what I know she deserves a lot more than what she's been given. I want to give it to her, even if it be only as a friend. I'm happy with just friends but I'm scared that now I might have scared her off again, and I don't want that. I just wanted to be honest with her before things got weird again, and hopefully now it's just out there and....well, its there now so I don't have to try to hide anything that she already knows.

Now for the depressing news. I'm feeling pain in my left knee. I'm feeling pain that I used to feel in my right knee. It's not as severe, but its the same as when the pain started to get bad in the right. The doctor never took X-rays or examined my left knee during the process. Another doctor, who deals a lot with the sports professionals and these sorts of things, told my father that most of the time, this disease occurs bilaterally. For those of you with no logic skills, this means that it usually happens on both sides. Whether it be each elbow, ankle, or knee, it happens to each one. This can mean another round of surgery depending on the severiity, more fucking time on cruthces, and more time not being able to walk. The pain is immense. Not in my knee, everywhere else. My heart is aching and on fire, I'm constantly nauseous lately, my knees are starting to hurt again, my blood just boils everywhere. I want to just crawl into my own little cave for a few months, with occasional friends visiting and bringing me provisions that I need and just sit there until everythin is well again, but it's not going to be.

I'm tired of all of this fucking drama that people seem to love to creat and I love to participate in. But I can't just walk away because these are my friends. They need me as much as I need them, or at least, I'd like to think so. This has suddenly got me doubting. That's why I ran away on Tuesday night from Silky's. I felt suddenly unneeded and unwanted. It felt as if people just wanted the fat annoying kid with bad jokes to run off. It feels that way at school, at home, all around lately. It really hurts.
Apr. 27th, 2004 @ 11:08 pm

» To You ( You know who you are)

Be straighforward and honest. That's all you've ever asked with me and that's exactly what I haven't been with you. As I said, you deserve better and I really mean it. I didn't know what was up with you. You weren't explaining yourself and you were just being very distand and odd. I started to get angry with you and finally just became very stoic. I didn't try at all to make conversation with you are to be friendly, I just responded as needed and went on doing my stuff.

I'm sorry. If perhaps I had known the severity earlier I wouldn't have become that way but that's no excuse. A friend should always be there and not need a reason. I needed a reason. Now that you've given it to me I see how much of an ass I have been in the past few weeks. I should have been there for you when I wasn't and I regret that. I'm taking this opportunity to be honest with you now. You are a friend to me and I hope I'm a friend to you. I hope you can still trust me somewhat despite what I've done (or not done more appropriately) and can trust that it will get better. I'm sorry and I hope we can straighten things out now.
Apr. 20th, 2004 @ 09:21 pm

» Field Day

Today I got to watch as all of my classmates had the times of their lives. I meanwhile got to stand idly by and watch them enjoy Field Day. It wasn't bad until the final pit ceremony. I've waited six years to participate in that, to finally have my turn. First the black belt, now this, now prom. Everything I've waited for for 6 years is all gone, and I'll never get to experience this again. Ever...
Apr. 19th, 2004 @ 04:28 pm

» New Quiz

ROMANTIC ONE. The really most most most important
for you is that she/he is romantic. You love it
to get love letters, red roses and be in a
romantic atmosphere. He/She must make you think
that you are the most beautiful of all. When
he/she is romantic she/he has you got in his
hands. When he/she tells you all that he/she
feels for you ,you are devoted to him/her. At
this point you are easy to be tempt. Your heart
is soft and pure and you would never cheat as
long as you love your partner. But if he cheats
you, you are not hiding your feelings and show
how much she/he hurt you because you trusted in
him/her and never thought he/she could do this
to you.

~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla
Apr. 14th, 2004 @ 12:11 am

» School?

I haven't been to school in a week and I actually miss it. It's nice seeing all of your frieneds and what not. The classes are all pointless but it's still fun.

I get my bandages off tomorrow. That should be a joy. But I'm a bit tense. Every time I talk to him it's nothing but more bad news. I don't want anymore bad news, because bad news is very very bad. I'm just hoping everything is ok.

Emily is doing a wonderful job of bringing me down even though she doesn't mean to. Something happened to her on Sunday and I don't know what it was. All I do know is that she came to my house, sat on my bed for 10 minutes in silence while I tried to think of some way to cheer her up. The only thing I had was a video of a bird getting hit with a car hood.......you just have to see it I suppose. The point is that it made me happy that she came to my house when she was having a bad time with Renny, but it upsets me that there's seemingly nothing I can do to cheer her up.

Here's the other upsetting part. If you read her journal you can read several times her promises to be better to her friends. Now I realize that Renny did something or someone did something that really made her angry at them, but I wish she would either talk about with me or one of her friends who hasn't backstabbed her 800 times, or she would still treat me with the respect I feel I deserve from her. I don't remember doing anything to earn her distrust or doing anything to get her angry, so I'm not sure how I deserved this treatment especially after she resolved to be nicer to us. Emily, we all love you honey, you should know that. Tell us what's wrong, we are all worried.

Liz...............very awkward. Was supposed to go out to lunch with her today....didn't. I don't know how prom is going to go. I don't know how 3 hours with her is going to be if we can't even have a conversation over 10 minutes. I just don't want it to be very....awkward. I'd rather she go with Seuc or Byrne or Lane so at least she would be kept entertained and be able to dance with someone, then we could still talk if we wanted to. Just weird, that's the only way to describe it.
Something happened with or to her or to one of her friends and I don't know what. Very vague, all I know is that police are involved and charges are being pressed and it happend in UCity. The possibilities are endless.

I haven't slept in two or three days, I can't remember. I'm really tired but I can't fall asleep. School is going to suck on Thursday too because I can hardly get along on these things.

The response from my friends has been amazing throughout this process. Really nice, especially from Alex. he has been very accomodating and I appreciate it a lot. I'm glad things are a little better between us now. Now if only Abby would come over and see me.

That's all for now. Be back later.
Apr. 13th, 2004 @ 11:52 pm

» how do I feel: Hopeless Romatic.

asshole posted a comment just like I expected him to. Unfortunately he's wrong about a lot of things that he thinks he's right about. Shame how some people love to just live in ignorance instead of face the facts. Mostly that they are stupid and wrong.

I ran into the dumbest and most innefecient waiter I have ever had at Steak n' Shake today. It was a shame. We asked for him to put vanilla syrup in our sprite, instead he brought out a vanilla shake and a sprite, thinking that we wanted to mix the two together. Seriously dumb, I just wanted to smack him.

In other news, things are less depressing. Friends have come to visit me many times, except for one, but she never reads this journal anyways so, Abby, you're a bitch. I'm a little bit depressed right now but that's nothing out of the ordinary, just a standard night.

I'm upset about a lot of things. Mostly the lack of love really. Girls always say they're tired of assholes and want to get with a sensitive guy, but they never really mean it. Ever. They say it to make themselves feel like less of a slut I suppose, or maybe that they want to do right but they know damn well that the one sensitive guy they have met is too ugly or just not their type. Some excuse they can always make up to go back to the idiot that they hardly know, or the cute guy that the only reason they like him is because of his tight ass, but they know that if they go out with him they'll get to know him better.

"I want some guy who will treat me right, and someone who cares for me and does nice things." Don't we all sister. If all girls cared about was someone who was nice to them, who treated them like they should be treated, who wasn't a complete asshole and who could talk to you for a night without yawning, I wouldn't be having any girl trouble right now. If all girls really did want that "nice guy" then I wouldn't be worried about if the girl I'm taking to prom actually hates my guts or not.

"Oh, well you're nice, you're just not my type." Translation: You meet all of the qualifications I listed in the previous clause, however you do not fullfill the unlisted quality, which is you must also treat me like crap like my other former boyfriends because that seems to be the only relationship I really feel comfortable in. Oh, and you're ugly.

Yes, I'm being a too harsh and unfair, and I'm not telling the truth and I don't know what's really going on in your heads and I know you probably do want a sensitive guy. All I know is that it's not me. Time for what I want.

I want to walk into someplace and find a girl that's eyeing ME. Every time I glance over I see she's taking a glimpse at me for once. Then I want to go over and talk to her and get her number. Then I'll ask her if she wants to do something this weekend, and she'll say why don't you just come over and watch a movie. We do just that and she snuggles up close to me and I hold her in tight. It stays just like that for 2 hours as we watch a seemingly pointless movie. I want a girl who is interested in ME for once. I want a girl who actually wants to BE with me and will do things to stay with me. I want a girl who likes to be close to that guy. Who wants simply to lie in my arms at night, because that's exactly where I would want to be, holding her. I want someone who will also hold me in those occaisonal times where everything seems to be going wrong. I want a girl who won't lie to me to make me feel better. Quite simply, I just want someone who will be the best friend, perhaps the only true friend, I've ever had. But at the same time who loves me deeply, like I used to love, before I found out how hopeless it was to love things that don't love you back.

I'm also feeling like crap right now. I didn't really want to go out but I didn't want to leave my friends.
Apr. 10th, 2004 @ 12:16 am

» funny isn't it?

Isn't it great how when things are just going your way that great god above manages to pull the rug out from under you? It happens every time to me. I'm high on living, I love my friends, everything is going great, and then BAM! it's all gone.

First things first, the whole deal with Liz just collapsed. I can't say I didn't see it coming, I sure did feel something was wrong, but she said she liked me. That hasn't happened in so long, I thought something would happen with her. It didn't, oh well, but still, it felt so good even for just the brief, oh, week that it lasted. Now I hardly speak to her anymore, mostly because she's always out with her girlfriends already when I call and she is never able to do anything. I don't know. I know I must say that every journal entry but I really don't know. It's just so, unperfect.

Next thing, my knee is busted. Not just slightly, I mean busted. I knew something was wrong, but my PCP (Primary Care Physician) just said it was tendonitis. That was back two years ago when it first started to hurt. It was better for a while, but then it got worse again over a year ago. A few times after Tae Kwon Do it really hurt. Then it got to where I couldn't do jump kicks anymore. Then even regular kicks started to hurt. Finally even after not going to Tae Kwon Do I was limping. Painfully. I would wake up limping and it would hurt all day. Finally we saw him again and he once again just say a loose tendon, but we got a referral to someone who knows what he is talking about.
As it turns out this section of the knee bone broke off. The don't know why they just know it happens sometimes. Blood flow is decreased and the bone starts to die and separate further. Meanwhile it causes massive swelling and pain, and just overall hurts a lot. Right now it is compeletly separated except for one piece, fragment really, of cartilage. Cartilage isn't very strong stuff, so now I'm on weight bearing crutches to prevent further degredation.
But it doesn't end there, oh no. I asked him after surgery how long it will be before I can go back to a normal routine. I would still have to spend a few weeks on crutches, and after that, it can take up to a year before I would be able to start going all out again at Tae Kwon Do. One whole year. I was scheduled to get my black belt in April. So on April 6th I receive orthoscopic surgery, where they will insert a few pins to cushion and push the bone back in place, and then drill in the bone to increase blood flow. Hopefully after a few weeks I'll be able to walk again. All they could really tell me is that it could be worse. That makes me feel better.

All my friends are leaving me. They all went on a cruise while I was stuck behind here because my sisters are draining my dad of cash. Thus I couldn't go on the cruise with them. I might not even get a summer vacation because of this. Now they are all really tight and I'm just all on my own again. I hardly see my friends anymore, and they hardly talk to me. Now when they do all I get are "cripple" comments. I'm about ready to just nip off and shoot myself. All these people who I call friends. The depression is coming back again I think, but I hope its not. Its just that everyone is now gone and I'm just left with nothing again.

I'm at this low point with my knee, four years of training my ass off to get a black belt and now I have to wait a year just to get started again. Then it'll be another six months to a year before I would be able to test because I'll be off at college. I don't have a friend to comfort me. Alex doesn't seem to care, Liz I hardly see, I think Emily might be mad at me and she seems to be having enough of her own to deal with without me needing sympathy. Dane calls me a cripple, Jay is always with his girlfriend, and I think that's about all the people I trust. Oh and Abby. She's been great but I hardly see her as it is.

The one time when I could really just use some comfort. Someone who I know really loves me and cares for me and feels my pain and makes it all go away. I love even just hanging out with Liz as a friend because she always just makes me feel so welcome because she's just very physical. No one ever touches my hand when they are talking to me, and it feels great when she does. I try to just let it go, just be myself and then someone will come to me. "You better let somebody love you before it's too late." The only problem with that is that there just isn't anyone who loves me. At least that's just how I feel now.

Life is at it's absolute worst right now. I'm alone, I'm in pain, I'm a cripple, and the only things that have ever mattered to me are gone. I just need a hug.
Mar. 28th, 2004 @ 10:33 pm

» Interesting Change of Events

Ok, so somehow I scared Liz. Well, that's not exactly correct. Although I don't know what exactly correct is right now.

I suppose she's right, things were kind of hurried. I suppose I just really liked her and got a little ahead of myself. I don't know. I've been so lonely for so long, it was just nice to have someone again. Well, we are still good friends, and there's always a chance, right?

I keep telling myself that, hoping that it might give me some semblance of comfort, but alas...Part of me thinks it might work out, but there's just another section inside me right now that thinks that she'll just want to stay friends. I get the feeling she might just want that now but just doesn't want to tell me in fear of hurting my feelings. Then again, another part of me says that this is all just bullshit, and that in a few weeks things will be great again and we'll be having a "serious" relationship, as Liz puts it.

I just need a bit of comfort I suppose. I'm the kind of person that needs constant reminders that he's needed, that his friends like to have him around, that he is enjoyable to be with. When someone laughs at a joke, when someone holds open the door for me, its those things that let me know theres someone who notices my prescence in the world and wants me around.

So now I don't want to scare Liz any further and make her not want to go out even more. So how am I supposed to act? Normally one would say. And yet, there's something wrong when she's talking to me. There's something not there that was there when we first started talking. I'm scared, I really am. I never usually get this way, but I'm starting to get scared again because something so good was happening. I just hit myself every time I do or say something stupid, and I just get the feeling like I want to curl up and die I'm so embarrassed I said something yet again to push her away further.

School is a drag and a joke. I'm doing fine in all my classes, and I could skip four days a week and still be getting A's. I'm ready to go to college and just get out of here again.

Carolyn e-mailed me again and I saw Laura out on the road again. I don't want to start talking to Carolyn again and even though I told her never to talk to me again she e-mails me. I don't understand her at all. I told her to leave me the hell alone and she just can't seem to let me go. Maybe Andrew isn't all he was cracked up to be.

If I just leave her alone to think then I'm being weird and it appears that I'm avoiding her, but really I'm not. But if I continue to talk to her every day like normal it seems like I'm desperate and stalking. I'm not sure want to do and I just want someone to tell me it will all be okay, that everything will go back to normal again with time.
Mar. 4th, 2004 @ 10:20 pm

» PANIC!

I saw the Passion of Christ today. I haven't said much after that. So many questions, so much I want to know. It has definitely renewed some of my faith. I never truly understood how much he suffered and how good of a person Christ was, but, Son of God? It's just so strange. I mean, there are some things I can take on faith but that just isn't one of them, it just doesn't register to me.

I'm ashamed in myself. I can be a better person. I can do better things than I've been doing. I can be nicer to people, I can be more forgiving. If what I believe to be a man can suffer through so much, then I can do better than I'm doing.

I'm sorry for the things that I've done wrong, and I just want forgiveness, so forgiveness is what I will give to everyone.

For years my principle has been others first, then me. Then I got tired and started saying me me me. That's changed again. No more me. I'm sick of me. No one cares about me. Making things about me has made me unhappy and its time to change that.

Still.....it's hard. The one thing I hated about Carolyn was it was all about her. I gave her everything I could and she gave me only what she wanted to give me, which wasn't much. She always had excuses, and she never came through. Still, even Casey never really gave me anything. I would drop my life in a second to help a friend. If I saw Alex or Liz about to be hit by a car and they didn't see it, within a millisecond I'd be in their place. but who wouldn't do that for a friend? No I'm talking about Alex not coming to either of my performances in the State Choir. I'm talking about him not even coming to District choir when he didn't make it that one year. I'm talking about my friends who sometimes I feel wouldn't help me if I was in a semi-tough spot. I feel so tremendous inside when someone does something for me out of the blue. When Emily gave me those Valentine's day presents, I can't explain how great it felt. The day before she hated me, but the next day she was there after we had made up.

I loved Carolyn, but she never kissed me. She kissed me back, but she never actually kissed me. When I was in a bad mood or had a bad day she never once showed up to my school to give me a hug at least and cheer me up. I went and saw Casey most every day after school, but she never once visited me. I can't remember the last time I was truly surprised. I want someone to do something unexpected for me. I know I'm loved, but I never feel like it. I never have any reminders that I'm loved except brief words of comfort from friends, which are still always nice. its just hard. I just need someone to remind me every now and then.

Meanwhile, what am I to do with my life? I've gotten myself into so many holes that I can't dig out of! But, I know what I can do. I know God can forgive me, and I'm still unsure about the Christ thing, but I know if he really was divine he would do. It's clean slate time. I'm going to live my life by the right principles. This isn't to say I follow every rule the Church puts before me, quite different.

There are some things I agree with and some things I don't. I don't think sex before marriage is wrong, but I believe that random and extensive sex is wrong. I don't think that there is something wrong with cursing in heats of passion, but I do believe that being careful in your normal day to day speech is important, and will help to relieve the latter. I believe in forgiveness, compassion, and love to everyone, even my enemies, and that if I follow those rules I won't have any enemies. I believe that as long as I do the best I can, sincerely, and without cheating myself or making excuses, and I follow what I believe to be true and correct, that I can't make a wrong step and that I will become closer to God and he will love me in return.

Everything begins now. World, please forgive me for my past transgressions, because I am a new man.

..............when I meet Mel Gibson I'm giving him a huge hug.
Feb. 27th, 2004 @ 10:51 pm